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Pharm.D., Humorist, Satirist, and All-Around Nice Guy

     It is very difficult for me to write articles for this column.  Initially I have to think up an idea; then I have to build a story around the idea; and lastly, I have to add gags and funny lines to make the story entertaining and interesting.  That’s the easy part.

     Before I send in my articles I read them several times to make sure that there are no misspellings or grammatical errors (as if I could tell).  Then I sit on the article for a few days before I rework it.

     After a while all the words look alike to me and I don’t feel secure with the grammar and spelling thing, so I attempt to complete the most difficult part of my creative writing process; I ask Shirley to read it.  This is when all the problems start.

     “You can’t say this,” or “So, you think that’s funny?” are the most frequent comments I hear.  Shirley is an expert proofreader.  I’m not sure, but she may have even majored in proofreading while in college.  At any rate, when I give her my articles to read, I usually feel pretty good about them until she makes one of her usual comments.

     My last article had a cute sight gag.  It was about my new picture, and I put in a photo of Cary Grant instead of mine.  She just looked at the article and laughed for about five minutes straight.  I started to laugh.  “Yes,” I thought, “It is really funny!”  Then she kept laughing, and laughing, and laughing.  Well, it wasn’t that funny.  You know how someone laughs for longer than the appropriate amount of time, and it’s just not funny anymore, especially if there’s a picture of you in front of their eyes?

     Well, after about five minutes I had to cover up the picture and ask her to simply edit the piece.  When Shirley edits, she is very professional.  She crosses out my words and adds the correct spelling or grammar in red.  Once in a while she will cross out an entire gag and explain that I don’t need it.  What does she know about making people laugh?  That’s my job, and if I put it in there, of course we need it!  (Often, just before I send in the articles I add back stuff she crossed out, but she doesn’t know it.)

     Which brings us to this article that I am now writing:  Shirley rejected entirety of my previous masterpiece.

     “You can’t write this; everyone will think you need therapy,” she said with all good intentions.

     “Shirley, they already know that.  Just look it over, and we’ll send it in,” I said, trying to get her going on the editing and off the commentary.

     Putting her foot down she said, “Nope, this is not appropriate for the newspaper.”

     That did it—right through the heart.  She killed it with the “not appropriate” line.

     I can’t put out something that is not appropriate; I have a reputation to uphold, no matter how dented or tarnished; it is my reputation just the same.  I highly value Shirley’s opinion and I know that she has my best interest at heart, but that article was funny.  As a comedy piece it was very good—not as good as my Christmas card piece last December which she also rejected for the same reason, but outstanding just the same.

     So you see, it’s not easy writing funny stuff around here.  It has to be in good taste, too.  Some funny things are just not dignified.  That’s why they are funny.  Having my wife censor the gags won’t work either.  The stuff either works or it doesn’t; I just can’t rewrite it and make it into something else.

     That is why this article is not especially humorous.  The really funny article is in my computer under lock and key, and I can’t send it out.  It’s not because I am afraid of Shirley or that Shirley won’t let me release it.  I am just afraid that if I do, she won’t correct my spelling or grammar anymore.  That really would be a problem.

About the Author - Barry Pascal, our current North Valley Honorary Sheriff, and the former Honorary Mayor, owned Northridge Pharmacy for 32 years and is now retired.  He has written seven comedy books and writes a humorous column for the California Pharmacists Association Journal.  He is currently enrolled in a Conversational Latin correspondence course.  He claims that if he writes his articles in Latin he won’t need Shirley to edit them, since no one will understand them anyway.

© Barry Pascal 2007